via Daily Prompt: Missing
What’s Missing? Why is it that I feel empty ? Why am I always so irritated ? Why do I study and do things just because they need to be done?
In one of the speeches given by Steve Jobs, he said, ” Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
So What’s Missing that I don’t feel the same. What’s missing that I can’t say that I have done what I have always wanted to do and did it…Why can’t I proudly say that all my past decisions were based on my liking. What’s Missing ?
This question has literally haunted me for years? A year back I was diagnosed with depression. All through this question troubled? Whats Missing? Who am I ? Why do I feel empty? What’s Missing?
I came to USA last august with hopes and dreams of growing and learning. I thought, I had finally chosen what I wanted. But when I came here and got some time to myself alone, all of my life just came to me like a flash back. And I couldn’t take it, I couldn’t move forward…all my life suddenly appeared to me like someone else’s life…someone who was suppressed by the social norms, someone who wanted to play safe, some one who was always making decisions based on how people around would react. All my decisions and paths chosen were based on some SHITTY social notion that ‘they were safe choices’.
My parents always supported me in whatever I did. Then What Was Missing that I made such decisions which made me regret my life to a level that I got diagnosed with depression.A year back, my life was unbearable to me. And then, I decided to take a break in my education and take six months off just to myself. This was the first decision I ever made for me and just me.
I needed to find the answer to What’s Missing? . I was too exhausted by the rat race and future planning. Those six months were the best months of my life. I finally had gathered the guts to say out loud what I felt, what I believed in. I was no longer in the mood to let what people say affect my decision. I finally started to discover What was Missing.
What was Missing was me….Meetali Bageshwari was missing….She never existed….There existed someone who wanted to be a good daughter, a so called good girl….and goodness knows what else! But I was never me…. I was walking the general path without having the guts to think for myself. When you grow up in India….There are a few notions like if you don’t score well in the 10th and 12th grade, you will have the worst future possible in the world….!!!! If you believe you are smart then you either have to apply to become a doctor, an engineer or a CA….. We are always told if we choose anything else we probably will have no future….’ Don’t pursue Maths …..the subject has no future do engineering instead’….
I have heard people say such shitty statement all the time. But, if you ask, whether I was able to call these sentences stupid a few months back, my answer would be no!
Because what was missing was me learning to be me, learning to accept what I want, what I feel….As a student in India we are never given a chance to wait, to think for ourselves….We rather choose to walk whatever path the majority are walking on. In the last six month I was able take time and gather the guts to decide what I want.
Yesterday, two big things happened in my life:
I had professional communications exam and my professor complimented me by saying I am a natural orator, and that I should pursue a career that would use this ability of mine….I was blown with what she said…I had tears in my eyes because for the first time in years I felt like I had some talent and that I wasn’t nothing…. And I was able to do so only because I choose to pursue what I wanted…. I made a decision to sign up for business communication course….for the first time I did not listen to people who said I had good grades and so I should get into software engineering….because I was free of the worries about the future…For the first time I felt like I found what was missing…..
Later in the afternoon….I went for an interview to look for an opportunity to use my talent of speaking….The interviewer asked me about my past education and experiences… I told her what I had done…She offered me to a part of software coding team…..and for the first time in my life I was able to gather the guts to say what I like out loud….I was able to ask for I needed, what my passion was….
To all that I said, the interviewer said….I can I hire you when all your that’s on your resume is not what interests you….And there its again came all back to me….I again found out that I was the one Missing….the description on the resume was some other girl….
But then, I was able to tell the interviewer that, I would like an opportunity to prove my self in the sector of my interests and that I am willing to learn…..I declined the offer for the coding position…The person I was a few months back would have accepted the offer just because she did not value herself….She went with what people saw in her..not what she wanted to be….
I know I may not end up with that internship…But I am proud that I am learning to find What’s Missing….that I am learning to live in the present….That I am starting to love life and live my life….I am Meetali…..I have likes dislike and most importantly I have me!! I have flaws…but I am me…the unique me!!
I feel all of us deserve a chance to take sometime off to find out who they really are…to learn to live for themselves… to learn to believe that I you do what you like things will work out… to learn that it’s ok to experiment…and that I ok to fail…and that it’s ok to make mistake and not be embarrassed by it….
I feel everyone deserves a chance to find the answer to What’s Missing….like I did!
Thank you Angana 🙂